You can have anything you want, but you can’t have everything. Growing up my dad would regularly repeat this line to emphasize life is about choices. For everything you choose something else must be sacrificed, whether it be time, money, or other opportunities. I often remind myself of this phrase when I ask “what do I want?”

Until a few years ago I was an excellent saver. At the time I felt guilty for not saving more, but looking back I was quite impressive. On a limited income I was able to save almost half of what I made. I became even more impressive with saving when I became a consultant dietitian. As a consultant I would send invoices for payment and sometimes the checks would take over a month to arrive. Because of the possible delay in payment, I lived well below my means and always had plenty of money in savings in case it had to pay the rent. At that time I would also compare anything I might purchase to a cruise. I was going through a difficult depression and the only thing that would offer glimmers of happiness was a vacation. Particularly ones that took me to other beaches and out to sea. I would occasionally buy myself new items from Lilly Pulitzer, but it all stood the “cruise test” before making it into my shopping bag.

Financially I was doing incredibly well, but mentally I was falling apart. Things got worse when I found out my boyfriend’s family wasn’t thrilled by all the vacations we were taking and I had to be cut off from my regular cruising. I started looking for other areas to find pieces of happiness and dove head first into becoming one of the top customers for Lilly Pulitzer. In case you are unfamiliar with the brand, becoming one of those top customers means you are regularly spending a small fortune. The beautiful atmosphere of the store and the fantastic girls that worked there kept me coming back for more.

I realized I had a problem after spending over $700 on sale merchandise that I had passed up on previous visits. My friend Betsy taught me that if you didn’t love an item enough to pay full price for it, then it certainly wasn’t worth buying on sale. I hadn’t loved any of those items enough before and I definitely wasn’t waiting on baited breath for anything to come into a cheaper price range, I simply wanted the emotional high of buying pretty Lilly items. Since there was no new stock I made do with what was available.

Although it’s been two years since I first recognized the problem my spending still needs significant improvement. My income has decreased twice, and although I have tried adjusting my budget I haven’t always been successful. I still love going out for nice dinners and want to buy everything I’m coveting. I’ve also started several businesses, which any entrepreneur knows takes a chunk of money. Because I felt guilt over my investing, I would restrict my spending only to what would benefit my business. After long periods of denying myself I would hit a wall then overindulge. The guilt that comes with that is never worth the purchases, but I also haven’t gotten myself to stop this toxic behavior.

I now find myself surround by things I thought I wanted that are now causing the clutter in my apartment. I would love to just get rid of everything except I need to pay bills and feel guilty not selling what can be sold. I also need someone with no attachment to my stuff to help me make decisions on everything I need to part with. Expensive or unused purchases are the hardest for me to give away or sell, but that doesn’t make them useful to my lifestyle now.

This weekend I decided I needed to start a new plan. I started again debating what do I want? Do I really want stuff? Where do I want my time and resources to go? So far this is what I’ve decided. I want to live in a clutter free environment. I want my apartment to be a place of joy and relaxation and not a place of stress. I want to enjoy drinks and dinners with friends. I want to go to Hawaii and eat the amazing fresh fruit. I want to travel to the real French Polynesia, not just the recreated version in Disney World. I want to speak fluent French. I want my beautiful home on the beach. I want to not stress over my every purchase and I want to live my life more carefree.

With these “wants” in mind I’ve created a new plan. I am starting with “Do I want this more than Tahiti?” If I think the answer might be yes I am following up with a second question: “Do I want this to take a spot in my apartment?” And then lastly: “Is this going to bring me peace?” I think the last is the most important question. My goal in life is to be content. Fighting constant battles with guilt and stress makes contentment far out of reach.

Yesterday I started this change with putting motivating beach pictures on the home screen of my iPad. Today I returned $120 worth of stuff to Nordstrom that I wasn’t in love with and started seriously using my budget app on my phone. By tomorrow I am planning to have several items up for sale on eBay. I know this will not be easy, but in the long run it will definitely be worth it.

Until next time,

Kaycee

P.S. My favorite song today is Mele Kalikimaka by Bing Crosby, definitely a classic!